Title – ‘Strange’ Author – Mages Whisper Rating – Pg 13 (as I am always cautious) Summery – Set Pots, Pirates Swoop – Alanna is training Neal. Oh and this is supposed to be funny, I do stress the word supposed however! “Numair give that to me!” The curly haired brunette took one swipe at the bottle her lover held. “Its mine and I want it!” They had only just flown in from Pirates Swoop as Numair needed to check up on a magical reference within one of his books. Unfortunately while looking for that he had come across a hidden bag of Daines. “Temper … temper my sweet! Tell me what it is and I will give it back.” “No! I am not going to tell you, so stop being such a patronising git, and give it to me.” “In a word, that you coin so delicately well my Magelet … No. Not until you tell me what it is.” It was comical to watch, the woman slim and a little above average height staring up at the overly tall man with such malevolence. It was even funnier when she punched him in the groin. “Oww, Gods Daine you will have me singing contralto!” The clay bottle slipped from the mages hand, and it fell. The young woman darted forth to catch it, but unfortunately it got knocked from her hand when she caught Numairs crotch with her fist, again. The bottle was sent spinning across the room, to the sound of Numairs moan and Daine’s “No!” The fist sized bottle danced in the air until its weight fought and vanquished its right to fly. The clay vessel smashed into a little wooden model as snow balls do in play, shattering pieces of it self into the air, and allowing the liquid inside to escape with a pinkish glow. The two mages stared at one another in horror. “Numair … is that image magic?” Numair swallowed and nodded. “Daine … was that a spell?” She echoed his nod. Daine’s eyes stretched open like a river delta as the pink glow suffused the model and magically bought chaos to where there once was calm. “Opps.” She whispered. ……………………………………………………………………………. And here my friends is where our little tale begins … ……………………………………………………………………………… Dawn glittered on the sea. The vast fiery shades of a red dawn began to creep from off the misty sea on to the shadowed land, dissolving night into day. Over this fresh haze, a new one built, and unnatural one. It rose up around a heavily defended castle weaving a pattern of mischief in to the air. A delicate pink glow that giggled in stone corners, and skipped into chamber windows. It danced up around the deadly balanced steps of a youthful squire aiming to capture the lessons of his Knight Mistress before she arrived to make his warriors life a living nightmare. The green-eyed youth watched the magical swirls of light and gasped. “Sorcery. By the Goddess! My Lady! … Call the guards! We are under …” The spell drifted up into his face, and softly trickled down into his lungs. He suddenly smiled as if Princess Kalasin had just pronounced him her Midsummer love. “Were under … a spell.” He smile widened to match that of any regular of the local tavern. He looked down at his weapon, and his happy mood drooped a little. “What am I playing with this silly thing for?” He asked him self, and then dropped with his sword onto the grass at his feet where he began to make a daisy chain. ………………………………………………………………………………… Alanna marched down the corridor with an impatience born of having one of the oldest squires in history as her student. Yesterday during their healing lesson, Neal had managed to scab over a cut so well that the flesh on her right arm now resembled elephant hide. It would take weeks of rubbing to remove the extra layers of dead skin. Getting to the steps that lead down to the practice courts Alanna gasped. As soon as she step out into the pinkish air, it was as if all her problems and woes had immediately scurried away. Even her elephant arm didn’t seem quite so unattractive. The only upset as far as Alanna could feel was that she kept sneezing. “Humm, I’m sure me sneezing means something. Oh well’ she grinned ‘it will come back to me.” But even that thought was lost as she for the first time realised that her courtyard bushes looked like a balding man picking his toes … well they did if you looked at them with squinted eyes anyhow. Giggling she ran off to tell Neal. ……………………………………………………………………………… “Neal! Neal! Come look at this!” Nealan of Queensclove heard the call if his Knight Mistress before she had even turned the corner to face him. And in that second he suddenly realised something. I Love Alanna! She is my moon, my heart … my … my … he stopped. “Oh dear, I broke my chain.” Which was a shame really as it was getting to be quite a skilled length. “I shall present her with the work of my loving fingers, my devote hands.” He delivered with delight, very conveniently forgetting that most of the cuts and bruises upon his hands and fingers where her doing. He knelt ready in preparation to bestow the efforts of his love to Alanna. …………………………………………………………………………………. Oh what is it with these humans? Always dashing here and there. And now these two are having and “Well it wasn’t me!” session. Oh I do wish that I could tell them to sush. “Come with me’ the female who I like says ‘I will need you as you will not be effected by this spell.” And you know what! I think that that is just plain prejudice. Quite decease-ist in every sense of the word. ……………………………………………………………………………………. The hawk landed on Pirates Swoops battlements with a resounding crash. He companion rolled from out of her claws onto the flagstones. “Opps, sorry sweet. I had to make sure I didn’t drop Numairs protection stone.” The hawk had changed suddenly from a glorious hunting bird, into Veralindaine Sarrasri. That happened a lot, animals turning into a human and visa versa when she was around. She stood their naked and shivering for a few moments expecting a maid to run up with a cloak. That’s what usually happened when she flew into the Swoop anyhow, but now battlements appeared deserted. Ok … so I am standing here nude. Humm, right, girl, first priority, find some clothes. Second find out what the beavers behind that thing is. The main courtyard below was awash with coloured banners. Someone had erected a stage. The girl twirled around, desperately looking for something to cover he now freezing body with. A Lioness banner was flapping over the exterior wall. “Ok that’ll do.” The girl pulled up the flag and wrapped herself within it, and it was at that point she noticed a bandit army heading for the Swoops un-protected gates. “Oh no! What have we done.” …………………………………………………………………………………… I am looking up at the girl as she says this and wishing that she would not seemingly include me in that ‘we’. I have my pride you know. ………………………………………………………………………………… Numair reached into the fire for a second time after his first attempt had failed to reach the Lioness, and now with his second he had the unfortunate task of having to tell the king of his and Daine’s little predicament. Ok, Picky, picky, picky so his, Daines, and the entire population of Pirates Swoop’s, is that better? The red gold flames of the fire turned a powerful black, and then a sapphire blue. “Jonathan … err your majesty … umm I have something to tell you. You aren’t going to like it much.” “It must be bad, you only call me Majesty when you want something … or when you have made a big mess.” The was a pause in the flames where the king waited for a reply and where Numair tried to make up one that wasn’t going to get him arrested. “Well you had better get on with an explanation Numair … as I have just had an interesting sending from Alanna where she was telling about the five most important reasons for including frog spawn in a mud pie.” Numair blanched. “Ah, I see well Your Majesty it starts a little like this …” ……………………………………………………………………………………… Daine ran down the twining stairs clutching her blanket and her protective rock. Shouting “Guards! Anyone! Please. There are bandits outside!” unfortunately no one seemed to hear, or was about to even listen to her. And when she reached the stairwells bottom she found out why, they were all gathered preparing to watch a show. George was hiding behind the curtains upon the stage that she had observed from off the battlements. She could tell it what him however as he kept pocking his head through the curtains as it made his audience laugh. “My Lord. George! Its Daine. The Swoops under attack! Guards!” Daine pushed her way through the un-responding crowd with difficulty. It was hard to keep a hold of a tiny stone, clutch her improvised dress while forcing grown humans from out of her way. In the end to get to the stage she had to punch two men in the face, which ok, is not so much of a bad thing but it did cause her sheet to slip a bit. She ran up the steps after eventually reaching the stage. Running head long in fear and anger – she slammed into Evin and Miri, Commander, and Second of The Fourteenth Rider group. They were holding hands like teens, rather than seasoned warriors of nine years. Yes, people you would be right dense not to have guessed that this is a love spell by now but if you hadn’t I have just told you, ok? Wicked! Lets get on with the strangeness now and I will go back to being a non-intrusive narrator. Daine shocked, goggled as Evin kept pulling red roses from Miri’s ear holes proclaiming “Miri though art a rose, painted more delicate than a summers day!”. It may have been quite romantic, in some people’s eyes, but Daine was sure that Miri had pollen fever. Looking into Miri’s usual bright face, Daine saw that she was loving the attention but that her eyes had blown up like apples. “Evin! The Swoop … there are a party of Bandits 25 or more, coming towards the Swoop. Someone must have told them that you were undefended!” Daine shook the two Riders to express her fear. Evin straightened with purpose and so did Miri. At last I am getting some response. Daine thought with glee. “There are!” Evin ran down the steps like a charger. “Jolly good … George has been waiting for them since he invited them about an hour ago. Yooouuuuu hoooo! Bandit type people the show is about to begin!” “GEORGE INVITED THEM! WHY!” Daine bellowed into Miri’s face while aiming to push past her to get to George, who she could now see mooning the crowd from behind his curtain to cackles of delight. “I know it’s exciting isn’t it! The Baron and Lady Alanna both felt that the reasons they all raped and pillaged was perhaps because they felt insecure and without friends.” Daine stilled in shock and then ran to George hauling him from behind the curtain. Now she was closer she could see two other giggling lumps behind the curtain. Daine recognised both the voices belonging to those lumps, Alanna and Neal were tickling one another. “Hey Daine, you spoiled my entrance!” “George I will spoil more than your entrance if you do not pull the draw bridge up now – there are bandits here!” “Oh that’s alright then, you didn’t spoil my start I was waiting for them to – By the Goddess, that’s it! That’s what I have been looking for all day to complete my outfit!” and with that The Baron stole Daine’s protective rock, which he had spied in her hand. He undid his long clock that had previously hid his attire – except for when he was mooning – and popped the stone into his belly button. It glinted there attractively, but unfortunately it didn’t protect George from the spell as he was already under it. Shame that, as it may have prevented all manner of improperness and so many peoples humility. The stone's protection left Daine. Daines mind giggled over at the ostentatious Baron before her and at someone whispering in her mind. “Oh we’re getting married! Come on, put your show on for the wedding!” she cried. George wore pink flouncy trousers a tiny open waistcoat, and was now slipping a feathered bandana over his painted face. “Wow G! You gonna belly dance!” “As soon as my other guests arrive – oh wait here they are! Yay for my Bandits!” Daine spun dramatically around and spied the Bandits racing over the drawbridge. The girl watched excited as they charged in full battle mode screaming “Death to The Lioness!” “Oh I do hope they will behave George … I have just put flowers in the dungeons for them.” Alanna had finished her tickling match with Neal and they both had appeared dishevelled from behind the stage’s back drapery. Daine sized George’s hand smiling at Alanna. “Did you know that there was going to be a wedding?” Daine leaned forward and whispered something in Alanna’s ear, which Alanna frowned at. “But what about Numair?” asked Alanna. “Oh I’m sure he will be here in time, damn I need marriage bridal wear. Where on earth am I gonna get that?” “I know, I know! We can go sew some … come on Neal.” “But what about my dance?” George whined, he looked so dejected. “Your bandits are here, you can dance for them and the rest of the swoop!” The crowd at the stages bottom were still waiting expectantly. “Oh good! Evin lead them in!” George cried to the one time player who has choreographed his performance. The bandits were now across the drawbridge and entering the main gate. “Lioness bitch …!” the rest of the Bandit leader’s cry was cut off in a fit of laughter. He stopped his horse just in front of Evin. “Kind Sir’s, guests of his most beauteous, Lord Baron George of Pirates Swoop, invites you to myriad of wonders, a display of the most delicate skill and a whirlpool of delight and fashion. His belly dance – The Rouge’s true love!” The Rider announced with all the panache of his Player days. “Well it had better be about Lady Alanna or I will throw tomatoes.’ Said the Bandit leader. Lowering his tone he whispered. ‘I am a major A/G shipper you know.” “Me too, and it is about Alanna. True love conquers all, you know the line.” ………………………………………………………………………………………… A candle hour later George sweating and exhausted finished his last twirl. “Ta da!” Alanna, Daine and Neal having finally finished their bridal sewing had returned leaving orders with the swoops serving men and women to decorate the ground floor hall for the wedding. They clapped George until their hands turned pink. “More, more … we want more.” The crowd danced and shouted at the drooping Ex-Rogue. “But I am tired!” He wanted to dance again but his legs wouldn’t work anymore. “How about a sword fight?” Alanna shouted up to the crowd in defence of her husband. “YES!” So Alanna pulled up Neal into the stage. “Come on lady my boy. Lets show ‘em!” ………………………………………………………………………………….. Finally I will get my chance to profess my love, I will be able to tell the most wonderful and blessed Knight in all of history my love. She wears my daisy chain about her neck and tangled within her sunset hair. I will bow to her skill, and knee in submission of her beauty. Oh fair Alanna, how I love thee. Marry me! ………………………………………………………………………………………………… Alanna and Neal spared, well rather Alanna spared and Neal tried to defend. He might have been planning to act submissively to profess his desire, but unfortunately Alanna skill was such that he had to defend to stay alive. Sweating he changed his plan a little. I think I will profess my love to keep my alive. “My lady – spear my feelings … I love you!” “No you don’t!” Alanna was a little disturbed by this, after all George was her husband. “I do, I want to marry you and to be the father of you children!” “George is the father of my children , not you silly!” She swung a swipe that had he not blocked might has skewered him. The crowd ‘ooh-ed’. Daine shouted “But what about the wedding?” “The wedding could be a double one! Think of it my Lady … flowers, singing.” “But I am already married … ok then why should I marry you?” She had him pressed into the stages wall, he twisted around and freed him self. “Cuz I am cute?” “I’ve had pretty guys, I likes my George.” She retorted “Cuz I have green eyes! That’s always special.” “George has hazel, which is almost green. Plus mine are purple and that’s even special‘ler so I don’t need a weird eyed partner.” “Oh err, I am young! Very virile!” This was greeted by a chorus of wolf whistles from the crowd. Neal bowed to them quickly, grinning, before Alanna nearly removed his head. “Well George is hung like a … well just look at his flimsy trousers and you will see what I mean.” The crowd including Neal, took a quick look, and then did a double take at the smirking Baron’s crotch. “It’s a big as a horses! Numair’s like that.” Daine filled in still fretting about the wedding. “I have magic! I can heal!” “So can I!” She pressed him into a corner. “Alright then I want you to marry me because if you don’t I am scared that you will kill me before this match ends let alone before I finish my squires training!” He just managed to slip that out as she pushed him to the ground and disarmed him. “Oh that’s is a good reason, but alas my dear squire no, because as you see, I love my George. He did a dance for me.” With that she helped her young squire to his feet and looked into the face of her love. Grinning she crooked a finger at him. “Come my well hung beautiful lad. Lets go have fun” and with that George bounded to his feet, suddenly not quite so tired after all. Alanna and George disappeared down the back of the stage to Goddess knows where. “Oh if that’s the end of the show lads,’ began the leader of the bandits ‘shall we go play hide and seek in the dungeons, Lady Alanna says that she left us some flowers down there, and I do so like pansies.” ………………………………………………………………………………………. Two hours upon the candle later Alanna and George reappeared in time for the wedding. Apparently they had ‘got lost’. Daine stood at the marriage alter, and George joined her. Alanna stood as Daines lady. The resident priestess stood before them and began to chant the ancient marriage hymns as a piper began to play a joyful tune. Slowly the soon to be joined couple stood side by side preparing to take their vows … …………………………………………………………………………………….. Interference here as its me Keladry of Mindalen, by the was I am actually your narrator for this story, I keep trying to be omniscient but she-who-is-goddess-like AKA the writer is always making me say un funny puns (she really needs a kick up the rear). Anyhow this story happened about four years ago, or so Alanna tells me, but no one except the King – and well the Queen, because Jon couldn’t resist telling someone after all - had any idea that it happened for obvious reasons. Like the reasons that Tortall finest broke a love spell over a simulacra, or that Alanna arranged flowers etc, back to my point however all I wanted (or the idiotic writer) wanted me to say was …please stay with this story as it will make sense soon. ……………………………………………………………………………………….. Daine opened her mouth to take her vow, but Bonedancer – oh by the way that was her companion who wouldn’t be affected by the spell – lost his footing on a rampart and before he could catch his non-existent wings in the air he smashed to the floor in a jumble of bone and dust. “Bonedancer! Oh now Bonedancers dead! I should never have made him come with me, I killed him! Bonedancers dead!” Cloud who was by her side, looked at the jumble of bones in pity <> Daine held what appeared to be one tiny claw in her hand. “But … but Bonedancers dead!” <> Darkmoon who was the other side of Cloud commented. “Oh right,’ puzzled Daine ‘well I suppose that shouldn’t spoil the wedding then should it! My dear Priestess proceed!” …………………………………………………………………………………………. Numair over the hill in his castle added the last ingredient to his anti-love spell with a relived grin. Running over to his model he poured the potion over what used to be a protective shield over Pirates Swoop, but for this last day had been a box of lust and love. “Take back what was cast, and revive what once was!” ……………………………………………………………………………………….. The pink in the air suddenly faded, and at once it had all the Swoops occupants looking at one another and blushing. Daine looked at George and giggled, as did Alanna – she remember what they actually got up to when they ‘got lost’ for two hours. Daine started to laugh out right, until Cloud stepped upon her foot. “Ouch Cloud, what was that for?” <> commented the horse crossly. Daine related her comment to the others, to most of them anyhow as Neal was aiming to slope off in embarrassment at having daisies all in his hair. “But the love spell – that’s what I assume it was however, is broken Cloud nobody is feeling the effects of the spell.” <> Daine feeling ready to throw up at such smoothing especially when Darkmoon added his <> Told the surrounding crowds. “Well, I guess we had better have a wedding then.” The Priestess was a practical sort of woman. “Lights of divine, fires of earth, today we are here to join two people – err horses? In the ancient harmony of marriage …” ………………………………………………………………………………… The light in the mages grate glowed with the dying purple embers of a speaking spell. “So alls ok then now?” “Yes … but please next time Numair when you are cleaning out the loft of your tower, be careful where you put magical simulacra in future. George is still cold from wearing a semi skirt all day.” Numair grinned. “I will, how long ago did Daine leave?” “A while she should be with you soon.” A tapping at the window called his attention away from the fire. “Speak of Chaos and she will appear. Daines back, good night Alanna.” “G’night Numair.” Her purple magic faded in the flames as Numair crossed the room to open the tower window and let Daine in. He watched as feathers and claws shifted and transformed into skin and feet. “Hello … we need to talk” The young woman looked up sheepishly. “It was supposed to be a present for your birthday, a joke one.” She sighed meaning the love spell potion. “But I already love you.” “Well, you see it really doesn’t have any effect on true lovers it only makes them, err want one another more …’ she licked her lips ‘its supposed to be a lusty spell.” Numair knew that saucy look in her eyes. “Oh really – how lusty?” He couldn’t help the sudden rush of heat to his face. Leaning in close the girl whispered. “Put it this way, George kept up with Alanna for two whole hours.” Numair grinned. “Hey, Magelet, you didn’t happen to buy more than one bottle did you?” The slim woman took his hand and led him upstairs. “You sayin’ you really need it?” …………………………………………………………………………………… Ok so it’s me again, Kel. I wanted to be in this fanfic but the timeline just didn’t fit, oh well. Some nice hints to round off the story - Bonedancer did shatter but as he was just stuck together anyway he managed to rearrange him self again and is now back with Lindhall. Still dead, but not as dead as he was when he was in many pieces. - The bandits who came to watch George’s show were still playing in the dungeon when Numair broke the spell so they just got locked in – it was kinda cute actually as they were making shoots for potted plants when the gate swung closed. -oh and when Daine asked for bridal marriage wear she meant in terms of a horses bridal. -And Alanna’s elephant hide did smooth down after a couple of weeks. One thing I guess your were wondering – where did Miri and Evin go? Well they seemed to disappear for the rest of that entire day, even after the spell was broken. They turned up the next day grinning from ear to ear though. Ok so this is the end of this fanfic which hoped to be twisty but I think ended up being as twisty as a bit of dry pasta. ‘Oh excuse me Kel’ – writer speaking – pasta presuming they even have it in Tortall can be very twisty if you add boiling water and about 10 mins. Reader - this is me Kel again (I will get rid of her now so you don’t have to keep reading her dumbly presented authors notes) shut up you big dragon scale ball! ‘Kel’ – Writer again – you’re a lump … *scuffle ensues between the narrator and writer, Kel wins as she is bigger, stronger and basically not a couch potato* Ok, ok I will shut up … just stop with the scarf hold Kel … so with out further adieu – both Kel and Writer … ME *Grins* Ta Ta. The End (you can sigh in relief now) (Real A/N – my first humour fic … how was it funny or not? Cuz if its bad I will never, ever write one again, and stick to my blood, guts and mild swearing one’s!)